Philosophy Professor Recommends Students Get their Semi-Annual Existential Crisis Out of the Way Early This Year

With the beginning of every semester comes another opportunity to become increasingly bewildered by the current state of one’s life and the universe itself.

But who has time to ponder whether or not they will ever significantly contribute to their field, or if they will ever be truly happy? The UCF Philosophy Department recommends that young adults have at least one (1) existential crisis per year, preferably early in the semester.

“We typically see about three key points in the semester where a student can start to feel like their life has no purpose, meaning, or direction,” explains philosophy professor Dr. Oneus. “There’s the beginning of the semester – right after add/drop, when students realize that they’re locked in for the rest of the semester, for better or worse. Then there’s midterms, when they start to question their life goals and what their futures will look like. And finally, there’s the infamous existential crisis right around finals time, in which many begin to question the nature of the universe as a whole. Personally, I recommend at least one crisis per semester, and the sooner the better — you don’t want your sudden realization that existence is meaningless to interfere with your exams or term papers.”

Of course, Dr. Oneus emphasizes, every student is different, and some may be more prone to crisis than others. For instance, social science students may have more than their fair share of crises, while business students may have fewer. Oneus describes the latter discipline in particular as “a wasteland for metaphysical thought.”

As for treating the crisis itself, Oneus recommends letting it run its course. “There is no point in trying to un-enlighten yourself, is there? Just eat some Cheez-Its and wait for it to pass.”

The Stallion then attempted to reach out to actual mental health professionals at CAPS, but was promised a response in around 7-10 business days. In the meantime, students can find Cheez-Its at Knights Pharmacy at $1.29, plus tax, for a 3-ounce package.