Citing “unbearable heat” and “completely ridiculous conditions,” local student Paulie Gander complained at length yesterday about the intense heat of the day’s weather. This is Gander’s second public meltdown about the climate; his previous complaints were last month, involving “unbearable cold” and “completely ridiculous conditions.”
Witnesses say that Gander, drinking from an enormous bottle of water and violently wiping sweat from his forehead, began to loudly protest at the Memory Mall Starbucks last Wednesday at around noon. Grousing about the “inconceivable mugginess” of the day and crying out in gasps of pain, he went on fussing for about nine minutes before an ambulance arrived and carried him away.
According to students on the scene, Gander specifically called out global warming and climate change for the intense weather of 89°F – phenomenons he also blamed for March’s dip into the low 60’s last month.
“Can you believe it? This is crazy, even for Florida,” said Gander in an exclusive interview with the Stallion. “And they’re making us walk outside? I don’t have the wardrobe to handle all this.” In the interest of journalistic integrity, we would like to point out that this interview was from several weeks ago; our reporting team suspects that his opinions have not changed much in the intervening time.
Gander’s friends, while unsurprised by his statements, expressed some concern. “I mean….it’s April, dude,” said roommate Evan Atkinson. “It’s definitely about to get so much worse. For the next four months. He’s got at least another two years living here to get his degree. I don’t know what he’s gonna do.”
Friends also depicted Gander as no stranger to public outbursts of frustration. During spring break, his shock at seeing so many people at Magic Kingdom while he was trying to spend the day at the world’s most attended theme park in peace culminated into an hour-long snapchat sound-off. Another source indicated that last week, Gander grew visibly frustrated and ranted for several minutes after waiting more than half an hour in rush-hour traffic on Alafaya.
Though Gander has not been available for comment since being escorted via ambulance from campus, the bios of his social media pages have been replaced with a link to a GoFundMe to raise funds for the surgical removal of his ability to feel heat or cold.