Early Saturday morning, UCF sophomore Joseph Burton reportedly cleaned his entire apartment and remedied the mounting conflict between the United States and China instead of studying for his physics exam.
“When it comes to productive procrastination, he’s an animal,” roommate Riley Knutson commented, “I’ve never seen someone so focused on cleaning a stovetop or negotiating an end to aggressive tariffing between two nations, let alone doing both at the same time. We had this really gross egg thing caked on there for months, and now it’s completely gone. It’s like magic.”
While it is common for students to find productivity in other ways during study time, Joseph’s accomplishments last weekend were completely unprecedented. In the period of time he could have prepared himself for an exam that constitutes 40% of his grade, he managed to do three loads of laundry, get all of the dishes out of the sink, and convince two of the most stubborn world leaders to put an end to their fruitless dick-measuring contest. The previous record was set by University of California senior Jonah Sinclair, who negotiated the Armistice of November 11th, 1918, but only did two loads of laundry and no dishes instead of writing his thesis.
Joseph reached out to the Stallion to express his frustrations with the media’s focus on the matter. “Everyone keeps congratulating me, saying that I helped make great strides toward world peace today, but I didn’t think it was that big of a deal,” a disappointed Ahlquist relayed, “There’s more important things going on in the world. Honestly, I think the real story here is that I got a 72% on my physics exam without studying.”
The Stallion’s White House correspondent was able to speak with Press Secretary Sarah Sanders about the negotiation, who said Justin made some “really good points” and that the POTUS had bonded with President Xi Jinping over their shared love for petty insults and finger puppet theatre.