Earlier today, onlookers grew increasingly confused as the students of Dr. Philip Hanson’s 10:00 A.M. lecture lingered outside their classroom long after their class was supposed to start. Sources in the mob report that not one of the students even attempted to open the classroom door, as everyone had just assumed it was locked.
This event is the latest in an ongoing epidemic of students missing their classes. Last week, half of professor Jessica Janine’s film class was absent, refusing to enter the classroom after seeing that the lights were off inside. Just yesterday, Dr. Gina Folderol’s class was canceled when the professor before her refused to yield the room before finishing his PowerPoint. According to anthropology professor Hank Sanjay, his class has been completely empty ever since he announced that he wouldn’t be taking attendance at the beginning of the semester.
The Stallion’s investigative team took a brief poll before the crowd scattered, giving up on the day. The results of this poll are shown below.
Some students, such as Steve Wilson, were more opportunistic in waiting to open the door. “For me, the longer I wait, the better my case is. If the professor doesn’t show up within 15 minutes of class starting, we’re allowed to leave.” The mob dispersed following 20 consecutive minutes of Wilson loudly reminding his fellow students of this rule.
Others admitted being scared to try the door themselves. “It’s just too much pressure,” said Audrey Vink, one of Dr. Hanson’s students. “Everyone’s watching you when you walk up to the door, silently judging each step. All the while you’re just waiting for someone to say ‘oh I tried it earlier it’s locked,’ and make a big fool out of you. I don’t need that kind of pressure, I’m a theatre major for God’s sake.”
Other responses include “I assumed someone else already tried it,” “I never learned to tell push doors from pull doors,” and “My father was killed by a doorknob.”
Dr. Hanson, after sitting in an empty room for nearly three hours, is taking measures to ensure this incident doesn’t happen again. To guarantee that students always know that a professor is in a class, starting next week, all classrooms will have their doors removed, their lights permanently on, and an unmissable, flickering “The Professor Is In” neon sign hanging over the empty threshold.