UCF Switches to That Horrible 1-Ply Toilet Paper Due to New Paper Tariffs

In a seemingly triumphant moment for Florida’s beloved governor, Gov. Rick Scott signed off on new paper tariffs for the state of Florida on March 8, 2018, brandishing his signature with applause from nine axe-wielding lumberjacks standing behind him. However, Florida residents are already beginning to see the rough ramifications of Scott’s actions.

As the direct result of the new tariffs, UCF will be going through some major changes in the coming years, including UCF’s switch to Sandpaper Pro ® Extra Coarse 1-Ply toilet paper. Thousands of students will be affected by the change.

The Stallion was able to reach student body president Nick Larkins for comment: “I’m proud that this was my last act as president. It was a tough decision, but it was the right one and I stand by it,” Larkins said. “With these new tariffs, we couldn’t afford to keep spoiling our students with high quality toilet paper. If we didn’t cut paper costs, SGA wouldn’t have been able to agree on a budget, and we would have shut down again.” The Stallion’s correspondent noted that Larkins had hired another student to follow him around with a bag of Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper for the remainder of his time at UCF.

While UCF’s executives may be happy with the decision, the student body is outraged. “I don’t feel safe using the bathroom anymore,” said junior Ryan Kehrmeyer. “As they cycle in the new Sandpaper, every bathroom trip is a gamble. Some bathrooms are already updated and some aren’t, so you just have to hope that the closest bathroom is behind schedule.”

Some students are wondering why toilet paper was targeted for budget cuts instead of other costs, like leaving the jumbotron at Spectrum Stadium on 24/7 or paying armed security to guard the fourth floor of the student union, but Papa C. Hitt refused to comment with anything other than “Get Heuped.”

The Stallion advises students to gear up for increased prices for scantrons and SGA printing services, as well as to stock up on some high quality toilet paper and carry it with them at all times.