New Study: Candidate with Most Signs Pretty Much Guaranteed SGA Presidency

SGA election season is in full swing once again. Each candidate has a political platform, past leadership experience, and most notably, a legion of signs with their name on them; however, in recent weeks, candidates seem to have become more ambitious with the number of the signs they put out for their campaign.

“I remember when I first started here, each candidate would just put out a few signs, one in front of each main building on campus,” stated UCF President Papa C. Hitt. “Now, I can’t even back my car out in the morning before my assistant shovels the piles of signs out of the way.”

One may think that increasing the number signs for a candidate would eventually yield diminishing returns, but research by UCF’s own distinguished sociology professor James Wright proves otherwise. “As it turns out, the amount of money candidates spend on signs is directly related to the number of votes he or she receives,” Wright said. “There is no upward limit; if a candidate paid for 30 signs they’d get roughly 30 votes, and if they paid for 30,000 signs they’d get roughly 30,000 votes.”

The students involved in Wright’s groundbreaking research also weighed in on the results, stating that they were “pissed [their] research only consisted of counting a bunch of signs” and that the results “seem to make sense because nobody cares about SGA elections.”

Since the votes have proven to be nothing more than a formality, next year UCF will be implementing a new system for SGA presidential elections. Each candidate will run a normal campaign and turn in an official expense report to SGA. By the end of the campaign season, whoever has spent the most money on their campaign will be elected as the student body president. “The new system makes perfect sense,” commented current student body president Nick Larkins. “It’s a really innovative way to streamline the election process and cut out the middleman.”

With the mayoral election coming up in 2019, the city of Orlando will be watching closely to see how UCF responds to this change. Current Orlando Mayor Buddy Dyer stated that “We’ve known democracy has been dead for a while, so it’s nice to see an institution finally accepting that. If this goes well at UCF, I’d love to see the policy expand to local, state, and eventually federal government so we can maximize the efficiency and monetary cost of the election process.”