Scheduled for Saturday, February 3, UCF’s first annual Pollution Party is set to be quite the spectacle. After last Thursday’s announcement that the EPA will be weakening its Clean Air Act, a clear indication that the issue of poor air quality in the United States has been solved once and for all, the UCF administration started making plans to celebrate this industrial triumph.
The centerpiece of the event will be The Pile™, a 75-foot tall pile of beautiful, clean coal burning in the center of Memory Mall. Knightro will ceremoniously light The Pile™ to begin the festivities, and guests are invited to bring any spare chemical waste, tires, plastics, batteries, and electronics to add to the flames. Student Government Association will be providing cans of compressed carbon monoxide for the kids, and Molotov cocktails for the adults, to throw on The Pile™. Other additions to the celebration include flamethrower carnival games, Hummer rides, and of course, UCF’s 2017 National Champion Football team.
The environmental science department and physics department have been working together for an extra special treat: emissions from The Pile™ will cut a hole in the ozone layer in the shape of the UCF logo. Although the logo may not be visible to the naked eye, sunburn will occur significantly faster within the confines of the logo’s “shadow” on the ground.
“I was ecstatic when I heard the news last Thursday,” UCF Event Coordinator Elissa Shaw said, commenting on the EPA’s plans. “I have great faith in our government, so if they say we don’t need air quality regulation, that must mean humans aren’t causing climate change after all. We immediately knew we needed to throw a party to indulge in all the pollution we’ve been needlessly missing out on!”
Shaw also informed us that they plan to keep The Pile™ burning for the remainder of the Spring semester. “When we decided we were going to throw this pollution party, we realized it was a perfect opportunity to show America just what UCF can do,” Shaw added. “When USF sees our massive column of pollution from 100 miles away, they’ll be reminded of their place in the pollution wars.”
Festivities are set to begin at 1:00pm on Saturday and conclude in early June.