A long line of hungry people formed outside of a Big Red Bus late last Friday morning when Oneblood came to campus for a blood drive. Students, professors, and visiting parents alike were seen queuing up from the flagpole to the Fairwinds Alumni Center, heads buried in their phones, waiting to board Oneblood Central’s mobile blood bank. When Stallion reporters arrived on scene, they learned that most of the mob had assumed the bus to be a food truck and were expecting free pizza.
Parked between an artisanal taco truck and a vegan eggroll shack, the BRB (initially) drew only a small crowd with a sign in the grass declaring “Donate Blood And Get Free Pizza!”
The trouble began at approximately 10:00am, half an hour after the bus arrived, when senior Gary Kenowicz set up his hammock, obscuring the top half of the sign. The bus was then overrun by crowds of people, including Kenowicz himself. Despite the enticing smells of Hispanic spice and Japanese rice from nearby eateries, almost every passerby – especially the staff from the Admissions Office – followed the scent like sharks to blood.
Despite the obvious hints, everyone in line was completely oblivious to the donation requirement. An employee was seen moving swiftly throughout the line with an electronic scale and asking those waiting to hop on to check eligibility. By the time he was done, every petite patron had been ejected from the line.
“I feel so invalidated. Are short, thin girls just not allowed to eat pizza?” asked freshman Daisy Framer, before she sighed. “Maybe my sorority was right after all.”
Those allowed to stay still hadn’t figured out what they were waiting on despite the distribution of paperwork. When asked if they had traveled out of the country recently, most answered with something along the lines of, “Just a summer trip to Italy” in hopes of receiving pizza sooner. It wasn’t until needles came out that patrons realized that the bags of red liquid probably weren’t full of marinara sauce and disappointment began to set in.
“To be fair, I really should have realized this was a donation bus when they asked if I’ve had sex in the past three months” admitted Tony Garman. “Servers never hit on me…no one ever hits on me.”
The food truck operators that day were similarly enraged. The owner of the Every Corner taco truck, Jorge Rodriguez, shared his irritation: “I don’t know why these students don’t want a taste of our premium gourmet tacos. What is it about professional-grade ground beef on cruelty-free tortillas at fittingly extravagant prices that doesn’t appeal to the college demographic? College students have no taste,” He said, spitting on the ground in frustration. “Culinary art is dead.”
“The competition out here is ruthless,” said Hideki Gallagher, head chef of Domo Eggrollgato. “I have enough trouble trying to compete with the restaurants that have air conditioning, now I have to contend with a blood bank giving away pizza? I’m gonna have to start doing kidney surgeries behind the grill just to stay in the game.”
The Stallion was unable to receive a comment from Oneblood Central, but the donation agency released a statement on Saturday announcing a contract to open a permanent location in the UCF Student Union. Reports say that the “Big Red Corner” will be in the same spot that Domino’s once occupied, with evidently no plans to remove the pantries or ovens.