UCF Announces Construction of New “Uranus” Dorms

In order to accommodate the university’s ever-growing student population, UCF has announced the construction of a new apartment complex adjacent to Neptune dorms. The announcement was followed by repeated requests, from the University, for the giggling reporters in attendance to “please be mature about this.”

The following is a transcript of the announcement. Participants include UCF Housing and Residence Life spokesperson Sandra Butts and various reporters.

BUTTS: “’Good morning everyone, thank you for being here today. This morning UCF Housing is proud to announce the addition of a new on campus housing complex. The new dorms will be constructed on the undeveloped land just east of Neptune and will be called…’ Oh no.

BUTTS (aside, to aide): This can’t be serious, they can’t be serious, can they? … I know it fits the theme but —  Did they stop to think about this at all? Do they know what college students are like? … (sigh). Fine.

BUTTS: ‘The new dorms will be called the Uranus Apartments.’

REPORTERS: (Snickering from reporters)

BUTTS: Yeah yeah, let it out. Everyone done? Good, let’s just get through this. ‘The new dorms, located near the rear exit of campus, will be the first UCF facilities to be completely carbon neutral, releasing no harmful greenhouse gases into the atmosphere —‘

REPORTER: (giggling)

BUTTS: Whoever’s giggling in the back, I’d really appreciate it if you stopped. I can wait. Thank you.

‘UCF believes the reduction of emissions and their harmful effects on the environment is something we can all get behind —‘

REPORTS: (Uproarious Laughter)

BUTTS: Okay, seriously guys. Grow up. Let’s just get this over with.

‘As usual, it will take some time to get the ball rolling on this project. Construction will likely last for the next couple years, but the results will be quite lovely in the end —‘

It was at this point when our Stallion reporter, among many of the other reporters in attendance, were asked to leave while Butts finished the release.