Orientation Group Rescued 23 Days After Losing O-Team Guide

The UCF police department is responsible for yet another heroic rescue, finding orientation group “Emily’s Eagles” after they were reported missing on May 22nd. According to O-team leader Emily Lockhart, the group of more than a dozen incoming freshmen vanished while being led through the Student Union.

Lockhart recalled, “We had just left the Pegasus Ballroom and I was giving my regular spiel about not stepping on the university seal. I turned the corner, looked back…and everyone was gone. Poof. Without a trace. I took my eyes off of them for like ten seconds,” said Lockhart with teary eyes.

The disappearance of the group sparked a rapid response from UCF Emergency Services. Search dogs trained to follow the scent of freshman fear and insecurity were employed in an effort to find the lost students. Stakes rose as UCF Emergency Services started to run out of resources, sparking a debate across campus on the “true value of a freshman.”

“Look, in a perfect world it’d be nice to save every freshman who gets in trouble,” declared sophomore philosophy major Ryan Branton, “But eventually you just have to pull the plug on the operation and realize this time and money could be better spent somewhere else.”

Hope seemed lost until a post was spotted on the UCF “OFFICIAL Class of 2021” Facebook page claiming that “one like = one freshman saved.” The post was liked by an overnight security officer scrolling through his Facebook feed, and was reported to police several hours later.

Following an anonymous tip, UCFPD deployed an ATV golf cart to navigate the harsh terrain surrounding the Student Union bridge. Once the group was located, rescuers proceeded to collect liability waivers from everyone involved before allowing the students to ride the golf cart to safety.

The rescued group were elated to be safe and sound but celebrations were cut short as members were promptly billed $49.99 to the bookstore for the blanket they were each provided.

“Honestly the worst part of being stuck under the Student Union weren’t the 3 o’clock rainstorms that would flood the swamp to our knees, it was listening to the O-teamers make the same atrocious jokes every day for each orientation group.”

UCF First Year Experience demoted Ms. Lockhart to Junior O-team Leader and is considering using child leashes to prevent a repeat scenario.