Early last Friday, as spring break 2017 came to a close, UCF maintenance worker Richard Henderson was shocked to discover a student trapped in Tower 3’s elevator B. “I entered the building to conduct some routine maintenance prior to students returning to campus from spring break. When I approached Elevator B for its inspection, I heard babbling mumbling from inside,” remarked Henderson.
Shortly after Henderson realized someone was inside the elevator, he was able to pry apart the doors with a crowbar. There Henderson found freshman Jeremy Steinman rocking back and forth babbling bewildering phrases such as “spraang break,” and “jetties bro” interspersed with the phrase “it’s gonna be lit.” Surrounding Steinman were the scattered contents of his suitcase and a takeout box from Knightros. Steinman sustained himself on the leftover french fries and chicken tenders for the entirety of the seven day ordeal. Also found in the elevator was a partially inflated beach ball which Steinman had used as a makeshift pillow and a bottle of mouthwash, the contents of which are still being analyzed.
In one corner of the elevator tallies could be seen, apparently intended to keep track of the passing days. Unfortunately, either through Jeremy’s inability to determine day and night cycles while trapped inside, or his poor math skills (evidenced by a failing grade in college algebra) the markings numbered in the twenties.
After Jeremy was rescued, fellow students attempted to cheer him up with remarks such as, “break wasn’t even that lit bro” and “summer is where it’s gonna be at dude.” Sadly, these were only met with a thousand yard stare from the survivor’s vacant eyes.
“While I certainly can’t say I expected to find someone trapped in the elevator over break, I can’t say it’s surprising either; these elevators have been unreliable for years and someone was bound to get stuck in one eventually,” revealed Henderson. Tower 3’s elevators have been rumored to have existed before the university itself, an ancient landmark. Local travel brochures even brag that “the pioneers used to ride these babies for miles”.
When pressed for questions the Board of Trustees remarked that they had been considering replacing the elevators with waterslides but were still in the process of researching the viability of the idea and had not yet set official plans.
As a result of this tragic occurrence, actions are being taken to ensure that incoming freshmen are adequately prepared to deal with elevator emergencies. Now, in addition to drug and alcohol courses, incoming UCF students will be required to complete a newly developed course called Higher Education: Elevator Safety and You. Taking inspiration from the “stop, drop, and roll” campaign, O-teamer Jennifer Crosman has created a similar plan called “stop, drop, and roll up into the fetal position and hope that help arrives soon.” These safety procedures are estimated to reduce future elevator incidents by around 78% according to an independent review.
At press time Jeremy Steinman was seen being guided towards CAPS to receive “Spring Break Rehabilitation Therapy,” a program designed to simulate spring break activities including artificial sunburns and VR keg stands.