Everyone knows the constellations, planetary bodies and President (Papa) Hitt determine the existence of everything. We’ve figured a way to read these three mysterious sources to create our ?% factually true personalized UCF horoscope that can ?% determine every aspect of your future, past, and present.*
*Healing crystals sold separately
Aries (March 21st-April 20th)
Nicholson School of Communication
You broadcast a lot. Like too much. The first person to know something new about you is everyone. You took an ethics course once and were confused by the concept of “privacy.” You probably time your Instagram posts for the most optimal and active time of the day. You should just delete your social media accounts if you don’t reach at least 1:3 likes to follow ratio for your next post.
Taurus (April 21st-May 20th)
You’re the center of everything. No matter what party or event is going on, somehow you are involved, and all of your friend group’s decisions somehow rely on you. It probably has something to do with that fact you always have food. And for some reason your body temperature is always ridiculously cold. Try throwing a killer party this week, where you don’t run out of food at- no one ever complained a party had too much food.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th)
Mathematical Science Building Bathrooms
If you identify as these bathrooms from hell please leave this website. You probably have no concept of personal space, and you may come off as a little creepy to the people around you. You should work on redesigning your whole life, or just leave this school.
Cancer (June 21st-July 22nd)
You probably like to longboard or play retro games on your old CRT TV, because thats how those games were “meant to be seen”. You’re wearing your Vape Life T-shirt for the 2nd time this week and you’re a devout Project M player. You should drop out and become a professional league players- after all, you claim e-sports are a real career option now.
Leo (July 23rd- August 22nd)
Brunette Honors College
We get it you’re an honors student. Thanks for mentioning that in conversation, I had forgotten after you told me last time we talked. And the time before. You value one on one time and enjoy a smaller friend group because it’s more “intimate”. Your favorite phrase is “things aren’t just black or white, they can be grey too”. You should do something other than study over break. Maybe engage in a genuine human interaction.
Virgo (August 23rd- September 22nd)
You’re that kid that somehow gets sick every other week or feels like they are about to get sick always. Everyone tries to stay away from you at all costs, except for the medical students who see you as a walking science fair project. Start carrying around a bottle of disinfectant everywhere you go to spare those around you. Clean this keyboard while you’re at it.
Libra (September 23rd- October 22nd)
You’re the mom of the group. Somehow you’re always the one who ends up taking care of your drunk friends after a night out. You don’t know if it’s because of your caring and empathetic nature, or how guilty you’d feel if one of your friends actually drank enough to find Chad from Alpha Epsilon Pi attractive. You should bring one of those airplane barf bags with you tonight because your friend Becky is really going to need it.
Scorpio (October 23rd- November 22nd)
You really dig athletes, and just about anyone who actually does something other than school or clubs. You take the winter holidays REALLY seriously. You own at least 5 ugly christmas sweaters, menorah, and don’t take down your Christmas tree until the end of January. You should probably dress up for St. Patrick’s day.
Sagittarius (November 23rd- December 21st)
Wow you guys must’ve progressed really fast in reading level from those alcohol related children’s books to get this far in the article. Make sure not to set your expectations for that booze cruise you’re going on this weekend with all your brothers/sisters. Do not make it your personal mission to end up on ImShmacked. You really can’t afford to get sent to standards again.
Capricorn (December 22nd- January 19th)
Lake Claire Apartments
Your favorite hobbies include yelling at the greeks next door to keep the noise down from their parties you never get invited to because you can never answer the elusive question “Who do you know here bro?”. Additionally, even though you are financially stable enough to afford Starbucks every morning and a camera worth a semester’s tuition, you still ask them to “check their privilege”. Try thinking about something other then your aesthetic this week.
Aquarius (January 20th- February 19th)
Parking Garage A
You’re the promiscuous one. Just like this parking garage everyone’s been there… no one stays for long. You should stop by the clinic soon.
Pisces (February 20th- March 20th)
Business Administration Building
You are probably going through some rough times right now but somehow you remain socially active, probably because you have to. Everything is an opportunity and you remember everyone’s name- in fact you once got awarded “most likely to network at a funeral’. Try having a real conversation this week without giving your elevator pitch.
Comment below and tell us how this list totally describes you or comment how much the content sucks because you got “Mathematical Sciences Building Bathrooms”.