God Announces McGraw-Hill Connect Assignments “A Direct Ticket to Hell”
God has recently announced that professors who assign McGraw-Hill Connect homework “must answer for their crimes”. In a proclamation last week, God Themselves came down…
Articles by Jake Howard
UCF LARP club on Memory Mall practicing for inevitable apocalypse
The UCF LARP club has been using Memory Mall to prepare for the inevitable apocalypse, their president said. “C’mon man, we got Trump, global warming,…
Millennial’s Answer to Health Insurance Involves A Lot of Buckets and Dancing
America’s health insurance industry has gone through a lot of ups and downs on its tax-deductible journey through the seven rings of hell. Millennials have…
Review of Titanic at UCF: Freshman Theatre Major says “I Would’ve Been a Better Rose”
The Stallion was lucky enough to see a press showing of Theatre UCF’s Titanic, and we are happy to report that the experience was altogether…
UCF Study Reveals Students Have Developed New ‘Golf Cart Sense’
A groundbreaking study from the University of Central Florida psychology department has revealed the existence of what some are calling humankind’s ‘real sixth sense’. As…
UCF Board of Trustees to Hire Ghost of Al Capone as Next University President
In a not-so-surprising turn of events, the UCF Board of Trustees has hired the Ghost of Al Capone, a famous mobster and money launderer, to…
Dale Whittaker Resigns After Being Unable to Find A Parking Spot
Shocking news broke Tuesday afternoon after the sudden announcement of President Dale Whittaker’s resignation. The resignation letter, posted by the UCF President himself, sent shockwaves…
Knightro selected for Mars Rescue Space Team
UCF’s very own Knightro has been selected to be a part of an elite space recovery team tasked to find and rescue NASA’s Rover Opportunity….
Lab Coat-Wearing Students Beg, “Please Stop Stealing Our Lunch Money”
A rush of recent lunch money thefts among lab-coat wearing students has led to widespread anger. Health sciences student Patrick Davis reports that a business…