In another great victory for American capitalism, media giant Disney flexed its cultural muscles and paid a lump sum of $6 million to the category 5 hurricane to avoid Orlando, as to not disrupt the grand opening of “Galaxy’s Edge.” If you are not familiar with Disney you may know them from, FOX, ABC, ESPN, or Touchstone Pictures, Marvel, Lucasfilm, A&E, The History Channel, Lifetime, Pixar, Hollywood Records, Vice Media, Core Publishing or one of the few hundreds of small businesses bought out by them every year that’s created the Disney Monopoly disguised as the American dream.
“We do mourn over the Bahamas and the tragedy that befell it,” stated The Mouse while several underpaid Disney College Program interns polished his absurdly large shoes, “if only they had more economic power maybe we could’ve built a new park around the islands to protect them from this tragedy.”
While people on the islands are recovering from the devastation, others are clamoring for aid from corporations such as Disney or individuals such as Jeff Bezos to donate the $7 billion required to rebuild the country.
In an interview with someone who definitely sounds like your parents, they said, “That’s not fair to them! Bezos got his money by selling books, Disney did it by drawing pictures, maybe the Bahamas should try and get a side gig to pay for the damages!”
Additionally, central Floridians have shown their disdain with Dorian as a whole, citing it as “a fake hurricane” or “barely even a sunshower” which certainly makes it confusing as the death toll in the Bahamas continues to climb as the infrastructure of the island nation crumbles.
Now Jeff, if you’re reading this, here’s a link to donate to help the relief fund, don’t forget to write it off on your taxes!: