In a not-so-surprising turn of events, the UCF Board of Trustees has hired the Ghost of Al Capone, a famous mobster and money launderer, to be UCFs next president.
Capone, being dead for the past 70 years, hasn’t had much experience as a university president, but Capone’s skills as a pro embezzler for the Chicago mob in the early 20th century have caught the board’s attention, a spokesperson said.
“So the big problem with this whole misappropriation of funds wasn’t the fact that we took money away from their designated accounts and used them for whatever we wanted, it was that we got caught,” said Mark Cookedbooks, UCF board spokesman and UCF tax attorney. “With The Ghost of Capon, that’s not going to be a problem.”
Capon will be officially inaugurated in the fall, but he’s already made some headway on a new UCF construction project.
“I plan on taking 40 percent of tuition money, embezzling it into some fake stock company that my boys run on Wall Street, then taking all the ‘returns’ and building a giant bullding full of massage chairs where the union used to be,” Capons ghost said. “These massage chairs, damn! The future is swell.