Lab Coat-Wearing Students Beg, “Please Stop Stealing Our Lunch Money”

A rush of recent lunch money thefts among lab-coat wearing students has led to widespread anger.

Health sciences student Patrick Davis reports that a business student on his way to a mock interview stopped him last week and demanded “all of the Knights Cash he had on him”, then allegedly pushed him into a nearby garbage can while calling him a “lab coat-wearing nerd.”

This was not an isolated incident – a dozen other students, all of whom who were wearing lab coats at the time of the robbery, have come forward with similar stories of bullying at the hands of business students, with estimated loss in Knights Cash as high as ten dollars and twenty-four cents.

“This is unacceptable,” says Davis, the self-appointed president of new campus group Labs of Science and Engineering Respect Society, otherwise known as LOSERS. “We cannot be bullied because of our clothing and how we represent ourselves. The only bright side of this is that I finally have a story of discrimination to write about in my personal statement for medical school.”

When reached for comment, various UCF business organizations vehemently denied the allegations.

“We here at the College of Business would never do anything like this. We’ll all be working for Fortune 500 companies as soon as we graduate, so why would we need a bunch of nerds’ lunch money?” Better Business Bureau Student Supporter Society president Chad McFarlane responded.

Charles Wealthingly II, President of Present and Future Ferrari Owners of UCF, meanwhile, decried the accusers as “nerds who can’t take a joke.” Of the incidents, Wealthingly says, “Why would anyone wear a lab coat outside the classroom anyway? Sounds like they were kind of asking for it.”

LOSERS has organized a candlelight vigil for hate crime victims to be held in the Student Union on Tuesday night. Donations are welcome, and all proceeds will go to replenishing the Knights Cash accounts of victims.

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