UCF Unaffected by Government Shutdown: Student Slaves aren’t Considered Federal Employees

Student Intern Eric Costello was hard at work filling the holes of the Park and Ride softball field.

Despite his bucket hat- Eric’s face was burnt by the sun and his eyes showed a sad consciousness trapped inside. The Stallion’s reporters slowly approached him as to not startle the docile creature.

“What are your feelings towards other government employees pay being withheld due to the government shutdown,” The Stallion’s team pondered to Eric.

“What do you mean?” A pool of tears well into the field worker’s eyes. “People were getting paid for their work?”

The longest government shutdown in history is taking place in Washington D.C. Discussions over the funding of a $5 billion dollar wall quickly plateaued into childish silent treatments and the withholding of government funds from all government bodies not named Melania or Ronald McDonald.

On the complete opposite side of the socio-economic hemisphere: an entire generation of workers has been lubed up and prepared greatly for the entrance of a government shutdown as they’ve been plenty f**ked by unpaid labor from their entry-level 40 hours a week internships.

We failed to get an interview with the financial aid office as the lone tumbleweed occupying the offices neglected to comment.

FAFSA refunds are still being distributed and coincidentally the attendance rate at local plasma centers have halved for the week of aid refunds.