New App Reveals You and Your Professors Astrological Compatibility

“I was wondering why I failed chemistry the last two semesters,” stated sophomore engineering student, Rebecca Jones. “But once I learned Professor Hickman was a Taurus it all clicked.”

Developed by three of UCF’s vegan students, “Constellation Graduation” aims to unlock the universe’s mysteries, answering questions like “My professor’s a Gemini, how likely is it that they got all of their test questions from Quizlet?” or “Hmm a water sign, does this mean a cumulative final?”

“We saw a service that was lacking, and we improved it,” stated one of Constellation Graduation’s developers, who’s definitely vegan, junior Quartz Rivers. “Personally, it was one of my animal sciences professors,” Quartz said. “I kept wondering why they were the most selfish, apathetic, and least helpful people I’d ever met. You should’ve seen my face when I found out they were a Libra!”

The UCF Faculty hiring office has also recently started using the app, states Chief of Hiring, Gerald Kipper. “If you can’t beat em, join em,” he said. “This is the new age, everyone’s real into all that crystal healing business now. In fact, I even started getting those readings with the cards, uh carrot readings. Yeah, that’s right.”

UCF has plans moving forward to only hire professors with the appropriate “sign to subject” correlation.

“The aim here is to make students more confident in who they are getting their education from,” said Quartz. “Which professors will be nice, caring, and willing to help you grow, and which ones are Scorpios?”