In a groundbreaking study released at the conclusion of the Fall semester, it has been predicted by leading scientists that professors who require attendance to class are actually simply high school teachers that somehow ended up instructing college level courses.
Lead researcher Michele Franklin commented “While the data is not complete yet and replication is absolutely necessary, we can make a pretty certain conclusion that any professor who requires attendance to class is probably not actually a college professor, and is actually a high school or middle school teacher who simply showed up to the wrong campus on the first day of school.
“I hope they let them stay on campus” stated sophomore student Gracie Larkin, “I absolutely love to be babysat and constantly monitored and forced to attend lectures so that I learn at a pace that is preset by the instructor. I have zero self-responsibility or ability to value my education without a professor setting arbitrary value to me spending time in lecture regardless of my performance on tests and examinations.”
While further research must be completed, The Stallion will be sure to keep the UCF campus informed.