After a decade long battle on Facebook walls and direct messages, the elderly war on higher education has entered a new arena: University of Central Florida.
The enrollment rate for the fall semester initially seemed completely ordinary. That is until the demographics were broken up by age. UCF has quietly enrolled a record 6,000 students over the age of 65, with a large number placed in the political science department.
Such a large number of senior citizens enrolling at the same time is unlikely to be a coincidence. The Stallion has been searching for months for some rhyme or reason to the wrinkly degree race.
Our team of researchers finally had a breakthrough after a particularly political conversation at the Thanksgiving table. The grandmother, who we will now be referring to as senior agent 357 for anonymity, played her cards too far during the discussion.
“She was telling me how Obama was Kenyan born and Kenyan loyal and that’s why he wasn’t a real president,” said Agent 357’s granddaughter. “I told her that wasn’t true and that’s when she said:
‘Your books are written by liars, taught by liars, and this generation is now nothing but liars blind to their lies. The nannies will open your eyes. In your school, we will make you see what you want to see. The Knights will forever say goodnight to their ignorance.’” In a shocking recording of Senior Agent 357, the truth of what is going on under her gray head was revealed.
“What the f**k Grandma,” the recording continues as you hear forks clatter onto plates. The tension is the Thanksgiving tension the turkey is lucky to be dead for.
After some digging in Senior Agent 357’s Facebook, we found an odd event titled “Taking our Grandchildren Back” hosted by a group called The Nana Force Five.
Digging in The Nana Force Five Facebook group shined the brightest light on our investigation. Grandmothers shared long text posts of how their grandchildren aren’t listening to the reasonable voices of Alex Jones, Ben Shapiro, and their very own grandparents.
The sadness quickly turned into a flurry of all caps rage and ramblings of the mainstream media and the liberal brainwashing that must have victimized their grandkids. The common enemy, beyond CNN, was the universities, namely the University of Central Florida.
Senior agent 357 made The Stallion some tea and started telling the team how much fun she was having in college.
“Oh this is the best time I’ve had in years. All the other grandmas and I love to just sit around the American flag on memory mall. We have our own tent during tailgates when the team destroys all those foreigners in the stadium. And the young people are so sweet to me. I just want to teach them you know? I’ve learned a lot in my years. And if I have to crush their spirits before rebuilding them, I will.”