After the release of the prequel to 2010’s Red Dead Redemption on October 26th, UCF saw a 30 percent decrease in student attendance, according to a statement released by the university.
“It has come to our attention,” the statement read, “that the new hit video game Red Dead Redemption 2 is causing a reduction of attendance in both students and faculty here at the University of Central Florida. The university reminds students to attend the classes they paid for and to continue working hard to be successful here at UCF.”
The university has made efforts to encourage students to attend their classes and raise their grades. University officials put Spirit Splash ducks under random desks, have given out free parking passes and have even offered students parking in faculty spaces closer to their classes.
Despite the efforts, students continue to skip out on their classes and responsibilities to play the new video game.
“Dude, the storyline is so sick,” said senior Martin Gatberg. “You can run around and stick people up, like a real bandit! The game’s all set in the Wild West, which is so neat and you can even pet the dogs and horses. This game has something for everybody.”
The game is “so sick” in fact, several high-ranking university members have blown off work to play.
“I can’t believe I missed an important meeting regarding the new Trevor Colbourn hall,” said an anonymous aide to President Whittaker. “I just lost track of time. I was out getting drunk at the local saloon and starting bar fights. Not in real life, on Red Dead. Holy shit, that game is so good.”
The game has only been out for a few weeks but other universities and businesses around the country reported a similar dip in attendance and productivity.
“It really is frightening, this phenomenon of people disregarding their lives to play some video game,” said Columbia University spokeswoman Meredith Jackson. “But to be honest, I’ve actually played a few missions on my son’s Xbox after he goes to sleep, and I had a ball. Did you know you can customize all your guns? I made my revolver gold-plated with a wolf carved in the grip. The thing looks so tight.”
Nearly everyone has praised the game for its in-depth story and seamless graphics.
However, along with most academia officially disapproving the game, President Trump has also shown he is not a fan.
The president tweeted about the game earlier this week, writing, “This is probably the worst cowboy game in the history of cowboy games, maybe ever. You play as a bad guy outlaw constantly battling the good lawmen. Not an accurate reflection of good U.S. history in 1899, where US lawmen were nice to everyone in the West, especially the Native Americans and black people. Sad!”
Although the release of the game has crippled both student attendance and the U.S. workforce, the game has also helped some people be more confident in themselves.
“I’m not a very social guy,” said freshman computer science major Dexter Mongelli, “but in Red Dead, you can talk to the NPCs whenever you want. It’s so much easier to talk to virtual people than people in real life. But oddly enough, that’s been inspiring me to be social. Who knew all you had to do to make friends was look someone right in the eye and shout ‘hey partner!’ All I need is a trusty steed and I’ll be the most popular kid at UCF in no time.”
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