After this year’s rough-and-tumble Spirit Splash, it’s only natural to feel the need to cleanse one’s soul (and body.)
A newly-formed religious group on campus, known as Comrades in Christ, has announced plans to hold a “Holy Spirit Splash” this Friday afternoon to promote spiritual wellness post-Homecoming Week.
“Spirit Splash is a lot like a pagan ritual, don’t you think? It really violates most of the ten commandments,” says Comrades in Christ President Abraham Godslove. “You’ve got coveting, graven images, stealing, taking the Lord’s name in vain… I’m not saying that if you participated in Spirit Splash you’re going to Hell, but I wouldn’t rule out the possibility.”
Godslove invites all students, regardless of faith, to join the group in the fountain in front of Millican Hall on Friday afternoon to be led in a lengthy sermon and, if all goes to plan, a mass baptism.
When asked to comment, a representative from UCF Facilities and Safety condemned the group’s plan. “We cannot endorse another event leading students into the fountain. It’s filled with enough bacteria as is. We’ve got at least a dozen self-diagnosed cases of hepatitis from this year’s Spirit Splash already — another event will force the CDC to get involved.”
“Obviously these people know nothing about how holy water works. We believe in the power of the Lord’s spirit. Water is really healing, you know? Like. Jesus was baptized in it,” says Vice President Grace Shepherd. “Honestly, I think people will come out of this with less hepatitis than they had before.”
Shepherd and the rest of Comrades in Christ, however, believe that waterborne illness won’t be an issue if the event goes on.
“Hepatitis is nothing before the power of the Lord,” Godslove adds.
All students wishing to cleanse themselves of their Homecoming Week-related sins are encouraged to meet the group Friday afternoon, or attend one of their weekly meetings on Mondays at 11 p.m. on the roof of Garage A.
Help suppress the lower classes by supporting The Stallion- by purchasing some of our sweet merch or donating to help keep this publication up and running.