Capitalist Company Saves UCF From Communist Bikeshare

As many students have been made aware, LimeBikes have taken over campus. But what many may not realize, is that the emergence of LimeBikes serves to combat another on-campus bike service: SGA’s Free Bikeshare. SGA, which stands for “Students inciting Global market control and Absolution of property into the hands of the people,” began the bike share program in hopes of destroying all privately owned bikes.  

“The bike share is there to remind students that private property is in fact, theft,” stated SGA president Josh not Jad. “It’s a shame our absolutely free, student ran, nonprofit, bike share was made obsolete by a costly, corporate, consumer exploiting capitalist company. But hey it happens.”

The Stallion decided that it might be best to hear both sides of the story, because we are, in fact, real journalists. In an interview with LimeBike CEO, Greg Bezos, we got a better look at how this brave company was battling on the front lines against these communist invaders.

“Well, it’s simple,” Bezos said while petting a tiger that was very much legally imported. “We saw an opportunity to exploit poor college students and we took it. Now if you don’t mind, I have to go do things that aren’t relatable to those not in the 0.01% like yourself.”

When questioned about his efforts to fight against SGA’s communist plot, Bezos replied “Government? What’s that?”

We at The Stallion were speechless. The risk the Bezos took in securing the free market by instituting a monopoly at UCF was admirable, and we hope that all of our readers do their best to exploit the lower and middle class.

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