New Study Finds Nobody Really Knows What The Heck is Happening Anymore, Actually

Following reports of general confusion and distress following the first quarter of the semester, a new study has found that nobody really knows what is going on anymore.

Study results have shown that the majority of students only have “a vague recollection of the events of the past week,” and only 63% have a “moderate understanding of where they even are right now.” Most students report that they are aware of the fact events are occurring around them, but have little grasp of where, when, why, or how.

“I haven’t been able to understand a single word my professor’s said since syllabus week,” reports sophomore Aaron Johnson. “Is it because I skipped lab that one time?”

Sources in Johnson’s class report that, in fact, not a single person there knows what the actual hell is happening, but that it’s definitely a lot.

The bewilderment of students goes beyond classes. Poll results found that only 54% of students are confident that UCF does, in fact, exist.

Following our interview, Johnson released the following statement, “I think I’m failing chem. Wait, am I even taking chem?”


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