“I looked back and all I saw was a lifetime of regret and like 12 stalled intersections,” UCF student Bryan Mayhew said recalling his harrowing afternoon, “I can’t help but think I should have been paying attention to the road. I also couldn’t help but think about how dumb I was for not giving Tristan a valentine in seventh grade. That’s where it all really went downhill.”
Mayhew, a psychology major, is under legal fire after causing at least 18 literal fires during a reckless rampage spanning from Gemini Boulevard to Lake Pickett Drive. The accident has been dubbed as “unsurprising” and “meh” by other UCF students.
“Reckless? He was just trying to get away from campus, I can respect that,” said fellow student Timothy Locke. “The parking garages at 11am, now that’s something that frightens me to my core.”
After an especially riveting philosophy lecture, Mayhew hopped onto memory lane and sped past every streetlight on the way there. However, this isn’t his first offense of this nature.
“This is the exact same thing that happened in my last relationship; all of the red flags just looked like flags,” Mayhew confessed.
UCF’s department of psychology refused to comment on Mr. Mayhew’s situation. The department expressed that the rose-tinted glasses they provided were merely for show and didn’t actually do anything. A sentiment many share towards their degree programs.