UCF landscaping services faces a rough patch as they deal with a very serious line of questioning: is cutting our grass also cutting down on our free speech?
The Stallion’s political experts crunched the numbers. Every time the grass of the free speech lawn is mowed, UCF students grip on the first amendment is shortened by three thirds of an inch, or one inch metrically.
Political activists have since rallied outside of campus utility closets to protest the “freedwhackers”. The movement has united under the title Mow No More and accuses UCF of double dipping in reducing student rights.
“I can’t let myself stand idly by while our first amendment rights are being infringed upon,” activist John Carrey proclaimed. “Restricting freedom of speech on a free-speech lawn is like spitting in my soup after throwing it in my face.”
The Stallion questioned Freshmen President Dale Whittaker to find out which he valued more; “landscaping or freedom?”
“We have to cut the grass,” President Whittaker chuckled. “As a public university we have to ensure our students are given the opportunity to be told to burn in hell an adequate number of times per day. Reducing free speech is unconstitutional after all.”
Whether or not you believe President Whittaker doesn’t change the facts: the grass is being cut, we’ve lost an erections worth of free speech to lawn-mowers, and every single blade of grass cut is a microaggression against UCF students.