UCF Police to Become Actual Knights

The University of Central Florida’s police department will be undergoing major changes in the coming months. The newest initiative will outfit police officers in the traditional garb of medieval knights in an effort to better align UCFPD with the university’s brand.

Reportedly, officers will be outfitted with their own suit of armor, stripped of their police cruisers in exchange for their own personal stallion, and will be equipped with a three-foot broadsword, or “Knightstick.” Additionally, members of the police force are now to be referred to as “ser” instead of “officer.”

“We at the police department believe that this will further encourage the student body to respect law enforcement officers. Over the past few years, respect for officers has declined at a drastic rate and we believe that striking a little fear into students’ hearts is healthy for all parties,” said UCFPD spokeswoman Rhonda Wells.

The one-of-a-kind initiative has been met with much pushback from the student body.  

“I thought that students were supposed to be the ‘knights,’” said junior Political Science major Emma Romero, “but now that that title has been stripped from us and given to the police, where does that leave us in the UCF medieval hierarchy? Are we voiceless feudal underlings? This is all very troubling.”

“As a Women’s Studies major, I think that the police dressing themselves in such garb is very problematic. Knights were known to rape and plunder and attack innocent people. This only further perpetuates the image of police brutality,” said senior Miranda Howard.

“My girlfriend dumped me, I’m failing all of my classes, and I forgot to cancel my free trial, so I owe HBO like $300. Memory Mall is all I have left,” said sophomore Alan Pollack as he lovingly caressed a patch of grass on the Mall. “If those horses are allowed to graze on the Mall and destroy this pristine greenery, there will be hell to pay.”

Although many student are disgruntled by the policy change, many of the officers are eager for the new dresscode to go into effect on July 1st.

“I LARP on the weekends,” said Officer Brisbane, Protector of Knights and Their Towers. “I’m really excited to go full-time in my knight outfit. There’s so much more you can do with a sword vs. your standard police issued handgun. The possibilities are endless.”

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