UCF Emo Population Drastically More Cheerful Thanks to New Panic! At the Disco Music

Following the release of two new Panic! At the Disco tracks along with a new tour and album release date, self-proclaimed members of the “emo community” on campus have seen dramatic shifts in attitude and behavior. Professors have cited an increase in attendance during lectures and more participation from students.

“I’m just in such a good mood lately,” said Emma Jones, an early die-hard Panic! fan and former die-hard emo. “I feel like a completely changed person,” she said, as she washed the hot-pink streaks from her hair into Lake Claire, removed her facial piercings, and skipped them expertly across the water.

“‘Death of a Bachelor’?” said junior Marissa Hilton. “More like death of my virginity. Brendon’s voice always takes me to a special place and I can’t wait to get back there.”

The most affected organization on campus is Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS), which typically sees a wait time of one month between appointments. Counselors and support staff have seen a drastic decrease in appointments since the release of the new music three weeks ago.

“It’s almost like all my workload just vanished into thin air. These students have woken up from their depressed stupor and are committed to life again. One student told me that he was cutting his black eyeliner budget in half! This is something we’ve been working towards for months. At first it was pretty odd to see zero patients in a day, but it’s also refreshing to see their progress,” said school psychologist Rachel Brady.

“Up until a few weeks ago, my lack of joy was the only thing that brought me joy,” said senior Patrick Wentz, wincing from pain of his ongoing laser tattoo removal procedure. “Now I realize there’s so much more to life, like 401K’s and going to bed at a reasonable hour.”

“Like nine in the afternoon?” asked a nearby tattoo artist with a smirk. Everyone high-fived.

Students aren’t the only ones finding themselves in remarkably good spirits.

“I’ll be honest, I’ve been tired of singing this song since around 2007. I die a little inside every time,” pop star and closeted emo Jesse McCartney confessed to fans at last Thursday’s concert. “But ever since I heard this new Panic! record, I’ve felt a lust for life that I haven’t felt since I guest-starred on the Suite Life of Zack and Cody.” He then launched into the most spectacular rendition of “Beautiful Soul” anyone had ever seen.

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