“A Black Hole Ate My Homework, and My Roommate,” Says Astrophysics Student Building Homemade Particle Accelerator

Last week, junior Brendan Flores reported to his professor that a black hole had consumed his semester project for his Stellar Astrophysics class. He woke up in the middle of the night to find that his bed had gravitated halfway across the room, his papers had flown everywhere, and everything on his desk was missing.  

Flores, an astrophysics major, attributes the spontaneous generation of the interplanetary vacuum to a misfire of the particle accelerator he was supposedly constructing in his spare time. Flores reports that the particle accelerator itself was also consumed by the black hole, effectively erasing any proof of its existence.

“I know it sounds crazy, but I swear that’s what happened,” said Flores to his professor. He added that the “hours upon hours of physical and cognitive energy spent each and every day” building the particle accelerator was to blame for his poor performance in the class throughout the entire semester.

“I want to believe this kid, I really do,” said Professor Sagan. “However, there’s no paper trail whatsoever. If Brendan had really developed a miniature particle accelerator, there should be documentation somewhere. Hell, even the electricity meter should have some off-the-wall numbers but there’s nothing.”

A major class project with GPA-decimating potential is not the only thing missing, however.  Flores has also reported that his roommate of two years has disappeared out of the blue. He became aware of his missing roommate when rocket-shaped waffles weren’t waiting for him in the kitchen.   

Campus police, who are now investigating whether Flores masterminded this disappearance all in an elaborate attempt to excuse himself from completing his semester project, have named him as a prime suspect.  

Flores was arrested Sunday afternoon on unrelated circumstances after shoplifting a handful of Milky Ways and Mars bars from a local Wawa gas station. Said Flores, “The black hole ate my wallet, too.”

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