Student Union Food Court to Be Replaced with John C. Hitt-Themed Amusement Park

For the entirety of the 2017-2018 academic year, UCF has been renovating the Student Union under a shady veil of secrecy, claiming that they’re building “restaurants” and “places for students to relax,” but news has finally broke on what they’ve really been up to. Early Monday afternoon, the Stallion received leaked blueprints of the student union renovations from an anonymous informant, which entailed a full-sized John C. Hitt-themed roller coaster and a 150-foot water slide – both of which will be fit into the old food court area of the Union.

“Well shucks, I just wanted a fun surprise for the whole university to enjoy, but you had to go and ruin it,” commented Papa Hitt when he learned about the Stallion’s plans to publish the story. “Now I guess people are just going to have to find out through your second-rate publication. I hope you’re happy.”

Upon hearing the news of the Student Union’s John C. Hitt World, the students we spoke with had mixed responses. Junior Caroline Hobson said, “It makes sense that they’re building an amusement park in there, that’s probably why it’s taking so damn long,” while freshman Alec McFall said, “It’s definitely not physically possible for them to fit an amusement park in the food court.”

The Stallion’s informant from the construction team added that they had only completed the demolition phase of the renovation and were still trying to figure out how to fit a 150-foot water slide into 40 cubic feet. “We told [Papa Hitt] on several occasions that there’s no way we could fit everything he wants into such a small part of the Union,” our informant said. “But he insisted; he told us to either fit the amusement park in there or just wait until we figure out how to do it.” The Stallion’s informant went on to tell us that even though they aren’t building anything, the renovation team still has to show up to work every day.

Early estimates of the renovation completion place the Student Union’s reopening in late 2025, when Doctor Who-like bigger-on-the-inside technology may be available. In the meantime, to provide the students with adequate space to gather and socialize, two additional Domino’s restaurants will be opened on campus.

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