Presidential Search Committee to Select President Based on Kickboxing Match

Since the Presidential Search Committee narrowed the candidates to four, the elite all-male prospects have been training for the fight of their lives. On Friday, March 9, the final four candidates will face off in the octagon, where the winner will be crowned UCF’s fifth president.

The fight will be hosted in the CFE Arena and will be broadcasted live on pay-per-view through Showtime. Unlike the usual one-on-one format of MMA fighting, the Presidential Cagematch will be a battle royale, with all four candidates fighting at once. It will take immense grit, valor, strength, and masculinity to be victorious – all qualities highly valued by the Presidential Search Committee.

“I, for one, am absolutely ecstatic,” said David Walsh, Chairman of UCF’s Board of Trustees. “We’re going to see something special on the 9th. UCF students need a commanding figure to act as their role model. Someone who the men should aspire to be.” Walsh went on to express his confidence in the fight even further, stating that he’d be willing to give up his firstborn child if the results don’t yield UCF’s best president yet.

While the committee has faced backlash for not including any women in the final four, they remain confident in their decision. In an official statement, the committee stated their concern that the “frail, feminine form” would be overwhelmed by the “sheer volume of testosterone” required for the kickboxing match and presidential office. Additionally, all of the candidates have expressed that they would be uncomfortable fighting a woman for fear of “accidentally starting [her] period.”

The fight should be an exciting event for all students to enjoy. UCF has reserved a 500 seat student section, so students will be required to pick up tickets ahead of time in the men’s locker room at the Recreation and Wellness Center. However, those who can’t get into the student section will be better off watching from a local sports bar, as pay-per-view and live ticket prices will be astronomical for the most anticipated fight since Ali vs. Frazier.

“It’s an exciting time for UCF,” raved sophomore Justin Ahlquist. “Not only will we gain international attention from the fight, but we’ll know without a shadow of a doubt that our university will be in strong, capable man-hands.”