In the wake of last Wednesday’s Business Administration evacuation when a man with literally nothing better to do that day tossed a mysterious white powder into the air, University of Central Florida police responded on Saturday to reports of a widespread powder-throwing incident on the Lake Claire lawn.
Still giddy with excitement from last Wednesday’s fiasco, the police responded enthusiastically and en masse. UCFPD stormed the lawn with their entire vehicular fleet, Special Ops officers dropped from the sky amid a flock of search helicopters, and officers finally found an excuse to activate their controversial and seldom-used attack submarine. It emerged spectacularly from the depths of Lake Claire, blocking off any aquatic means of escape.
“We really went all out,” said officer Don Lobach, smiling and visibly high on adrenaline. Maintaining a power stance throughout the interview, he continued, “This is why I joined the force: to save the world.”
Police withdrew their presence when it was revealed that the offenders were merely celebrating Holi, the Hindu festival of colors which signifies the beginning of spring and the victory of good over evil. Members of UCF’s Indian Student Association had spent months obtaining the proper clearances for this event.
“This is ridiculous,” said senior Raj Patel. “We did everything by the book. This is a strict violation of our First Amendment rights. Ever heard of freedom of religion? Clearly the police haven’t.”
To avoid any sort of confusion in the future, the Student Government Association is considering a motion that would ban powder of any sort from campus. Said senator Greta Jane, “It’s getting too complicated to distinguish which powders are religious and which ones are nefarious.”
The decision does not sit well with senior Helen Spritz, president of UCF’s Baking Club. “Let’s be honest, our weekly powdered sugar fights are the only reason people show up to meetings,” said Spritz, “It’s our gumdrop button. If we lose that, Baking Club is dead.”
On the following night, UCFPD received a tip about a possible human trafficking situation at the Towers apartments. When asked to go out and investigate, the police responded by saying they were “pretty tuckered out” from Saturday’s events and were taking the night off.