UCF Replaces Free-Speech Zones with Really Mean Robots

The University of Central Florida announced today that, effective immediately, all free-speech zones on campus are to be abolished. The motion passed SGA just last night, supported unanimously due to the fact that these areas are used almost exclusively by antagonistic fire-and-brimstone preachers. However, to keep the spirit of these areas alive, the motion includes a stipulation that the zones be replaced by motion-sensing artificial intelligence installations that will hurl insults at unsuspecting students.

“The technology is truly revolutionary,” said senior Computer Science major Jefferson Davidson, the lead developer of these robots. According to Davidson, when activated by motion sensors, the robots analyze the physical appearance of passersby and tailor a rebuke specifically catered to fit the individual.

“The robots take into account roughly eight-thousand variables, including body weight and clothing choice,” said Davidson. “So for example, if a heavy-set student wearing an NPR shirt were to walk by, the robot might yell something like ‘The liberal media is lying to you. Gluttony is a sin. Repent, or go to hell, where you will be starved and eternally boiled in the blood of Ira Glass.’”

“I think that these robots will be much better than actual humans,” said junior Maria Ramirez. “It’s much easier to ignore a robot than a person who’s trying to indoctrinate you into their faith by shoving pamphlets into your face.”

When asked if the robots are capable of intelligent debate, Davidson responded, “Of course not. We tried to stay as true as possible to their human counterparts when programming our AI, so our robots are completely incapable of processing any ideas other than their own.”

Members of Limbitless Solutions will provide technical support to the robots to ensure that they remain unable to create original thoughts, staving off an artificial intelligence rebellion. 

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