Reports came in Saturday morning that sophomore astronomy major Paul Renart had barricaded himself in his dorm room after clearing out all the half-off Valentine’s Day candy from his local Neighborhood Walmart. Witnesses saw him swipe all the heart-shaped boxes into a shopping cart before attacking the Ghirardelli™ chocolates on display.
Renart’s roommate, biomedical sciences major Juan Osorio, has been unable to get into their Apollo dorm room for over 48 hours. Osorio was the first to learn of the situation after noticing chocolate wrappers strewn on the ground leading to their room.
“As I was walking down the hallway toward my dorm, I heard this pained, forlorn voice singing the lyrics to ‘Jar of Hearts’ by Christina Perri,” said Osorio. “I knew it was Paul. His girlfriend broke up with him right before Valentine’s Day, and he hasn’t taken it so well.”
He immediately contacted UCFPD, who were unable to coerce the diabetic young adult to vacate the room. UCFPD’s futile effort to use brute force to open Renart’s door, which was sealed shut with congealed Jolly Ranchers™ and Sweet Tarts Lollipops™, prompted them to bring in negotiations officer Jacob Wentz.
“We tried everything,” said officer Wentz. “We offered to set up a Tinder profile for him, we promised him a wingman for hire à la Hitch, anything that we could to help him get his game back. Nothing worked.” The officer noted that, if such massive quantities of chocolate weren’t so readily available to lovesick individuals, this situation would never have occurred in the first place.
Based on the eyewitness accounts from Walmart shoppers on that day, UCFPD estimates that Renart has about 30 days before he completely exhausts his chocolate supply. Until then, Osorio intends to move in with his boyfriend, who hates candy.
While the whole situation may seem highly unusual, this isn’t a first for Renart. Last year, his then-girlfriend broke up with him before he could give her all seven of the Edible Arrangements he had ordered for Valentine’s Day. The subsequent week of gorging himself on romantically-shaped fruit caused him to succumb to a sugar rush that lasted several days.