Students who have trouble paying for college have some good news coming down the pike: last night, the Florida legislature passed a bill approving the creation of the “Dark Futures” program.
According to the bill, the new scholarship will offer full rides to any student who has an “untainted and virgin soul,” promises to “reject holiness, now and forever,” and scores at least a 1200 on the SAT. There is also an essay portion of the application with a 666-word count requirement, but backers of the bill insist that anything written in blood will be accepted.
“We spend too much time and money pushing this ‘positivity rhetoric’,” said Baphomet Darkheart, a main proponent of the bill and head of the Society for the Advancement of Things Abominable and Nefarious, known in Tallahassee as the SATAN lobby. “Millennials today need to learn that in order to succeed, you just need to knuckle down, see what’s really important in your life, and literally sell your soul for every possible advantage.”
“I’m glad that they’re finally offering viable options for those of us who don’t care about life everlasting,” said Vladimir Gothmor, a rising freshman who is eager to apply to the new program. “The key to success is making the most out of what you have. Sure, I could pay thirty thousand smackers out of pocket every year, but I have this immortal spirit laying around, not doing me any good, when it could be making me money. It’s an easy choice.”
Local private, religiously affiliated high schools have raised concerns about the new program that encourages the exchange of one’s soul for a cheaper college degree. Their students say they’re out of touch with what today’s Generation Z, college-bound students really want: a lack of debt, the promise of a better job, and the cold embrace of the abyss.
Despite mixed feelings statewide, the state legislature begs that the public understand that the new funds allocated to create the program were procured by a spiritually-binding blood ritual; as such, cancelling the program will result in Lucifer himself coming forth to harvest the souls of the congressmen. Governor Rick Scott, nervously pulling at his tie, was quoted as saying, “Florida serves the Prince of Darkness now, and our Shrouded Lord has demanded both the souls of the innocent and a 98% graduation rate by 2024.”
The application for the Dark Futures program opened today at 3:33 a.m. In the interest of holistic journalism, we have included the application link below. Disclaimer: The Stallion has no affiliation with the Florida government or Hell. As such, we hereby formally disclaim any responsibility for whatever happens to your soul if you apply — and formally take all credit for whatever benefits you may receive.