Top 13 Tips for a Successful and Mentally Sound Finals Week

  • When you enter the classroom to take your final, raise your arms above your head and make lots of noise. This can intimidate your professor and make them think you’re larger than you actually are, scaring them into giving you a passing grade.
  • Bring a red pen with you and write 100 at the top of your exam before you turn it in. (Or bring a typewriter if it’s a scantron exam.)
  • Confidence is key. Try not to dwell on thoughts of failure, failing to pass the class, killing your GPA, losing your scholarship, dropping out, letting your life spiral out of control, and disappointing everyone who ever believed in you. Just don’t think about it.
  • It’s important to let your brain relax so you don’t get “burned out.” While you’re studying, don’t shy away from stopping every 30 minutes to have a four hour break.
  • If you find yourself running late for your final, just park your car next to the bushes by your class’ building. Parking Services doesn’t typically check there.
  • Make sure to pop lots of pills. That is, vitamins A, B, C, D, and K, as well as calcium and iron. Your inability to tell what time of the day it is as you hunker down to study will make you forget to eat and your body will be starving for the proper nutrients so it doesn’t crash in the middle of taking your final.  
  • If you haven’t been collecting scantrons since the beginning of the semester, you’ll have to camp out in front of SGA’s office in the Student Union to grab yours, unless you want to spend $20 from some scam artist in your class.
  • Think about being environmentally friendly this holiday season. If you need a pencil, try making your own. You can get wood from the numerous trees that are sprinkled around campus and if you’re looking for lead, consider taking your baby cousin’s toys and siphoning the lead from there.
  • Try being a business major. You’ll likely have a small amount of very easy finals. It’s like not really being in school!
  • Build a shrine for John C. Hitt. If you’re doubting that your prayers will be answered, you can always just snag a few of his hairs or a single red sprinkle he drops outside Knightro’s, and you should be fine. Trust in the power of Papa.
  • Try this easy lifehack: If you took notes in class, look over your notes and rehash some examples. Then, when you’re taking the exam, you can just remember back to everything you learned! Now that’s what the kids call #cheating #the #system.
  • If your final isn’t enough to turn your grade around, you can always dress in all camouflage, infiltrate your professor’s office, and plant some of the work you didn’t turn in. Those city slickers will never see it coming.
  • Eat your notes. As the writing washes off the paper in your throat or stomach, the knowledge will be absorbed into your bloodstream and you’ll remember everything.

But seriously, good luck on finals. You’re going to kill it.

-Stallion Staff