According to UCFPD reports, sophomore Jane Brown was reported missing as of 1:00am Monday morning. This was the latest in a series of reports filed by local mechanical engineering major Michael Wolfhard in the last week. According to Wolfhard, all but one of his four group project members have mysteriously vanished.
The first report was filed on November 13th for a Will Schnapp, who was last seen in class on August 28th — the start of the semester. The group (consisting of Wolfhard, Brown, Schnapp, McLaughlin, and Matarazzo) was supposed to meet at 11:00pm Sunday night, but canceled at 11:04pm when Schnapp never showed.
From there, problems only escalated. Lucas McLaughlin, previously appointed project manager, made it known in the GroupMe that he wasn’t going to pick up Schnapp’s slack. Rather than reassign the project duties, McLaughlin left the chat, told the professor that his group members were uncooperative, and dropped the class. Without a way to contact him or determine if he was still alive, the report was filed for McLaughlin that Wednesday afternoon.
Pressure rose in the group as the workload intensified. Just this last Thursday, Brown was hospitalized after an anxiety attack in the engineering lab. The last words seen from her were a November 17th Facebook post reading: “Mental health is so important. Need to take it easy for a while, going through a lot rn.”
Our team got in contact with Wolfhard’s group last night during their first real project meeting. Obviously, the experience has been traumatizing for him. “At this point, I’m not even worried about the F I’m getting for the project. The worst part about it is knowing that Jane is out there somewhere, and she’ll probably give me a D on her peer review for texting her so much.”
His engineering professor, Scott Clarke, refused to budge on the November 20th due date, saying that “[they] should’ve burned through this project earlier,” and that having students complete their work while dealing with sudden, terrible trauma would prepare them for the real world.
Wolfhard’s last remaining group member, Dustin Matarazzo, was far less concerned. “This is nothing. I once finished a physics project with nothing but five Red Bulls and a box of magnets while my partner was binging Netflix.” At this point, Matarazzo asked us to leave, as he would need peace and quiet to finish the project in the next two hours.
The parents of several of the missing students recently came forward. Schnapp’s mother said, “I’m glad the UCFPD is finally picking this up – he never calls, so I filed his disappearance back in 2015.”
If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Jane or any of the group members, please contact the Stallion at email@example.com.
The lead investigator, officer Jim Harbour, has closed the official UCFPD tip hotline after receiving too many calls alleging that the missing group members are Russian sleeper agents.