Amid Sexual Assault Allegations, Entire Fraternity Comes Out As Gay

This morning, a spokesperson from the fraternity Gamma Alpha Upsilon Sigma (ΓΑΥΣ) held a press conference in front of the H4-A lot and announced that every one of their active members is gay. This bombshell came roughly two hours after an unidentified student came forward and accused certain ΓΑΥΣ members of sexual harassment during rush week.

“We honestly do not remember the encounter; we must have been completely wasted,” began Kyle Thimey, the PR representative for ΓΑΥΣ. “But if any of us did behave then as she describes, we owe her the sincerest apology for what would have been unfortunately common fraternity behavior.”

Thimey continued his speech as other members of ΓΑΥΣ raised a rainbow flag behind him. “The story has encouraged us to address other rumors about Greek Life here at UCF. We may have all had romantic encounters with many women throughout the past few weeks, but now we choose to live as gay men.”

Many suspect that the mass coming-out ceremony was merely a ploy to distract from the allegations brought against ΓΑΥΣ. Some say that the fraternity brothers have been planning to come out for a while, as large pride flags aren’t offered with two hour shipping on Amazon. Others believe that the sudden press conference was all part of an elaborate hazing ritual.

Regardless of the reason, certain fraternities were very unhappy with the news. Matthew Hiles, a member of Delta Lambda Phi, seemed particularly upset. “This is just awful, selfish timing. What does Thimey think he’s doing? He’s validating all these terrible myths about Greek Life!” He sighed. “Well, at least he’s not doing this to justify pedophilia.”

Other Greek organizations were not so surprised. Tri Delta sophomore Becky Rollins commented on the scene that played out in front of the dirt lot. “I’m surprised it took them so long to come out. Those short pink shorts were definitely saying something.

In response to these new allegations, President John C. Hitt has determined that spring semester’s Greek Week, a Greek Life networking event, will be canceled. Local dining monolith Chick-fil-A, citing fears that these students won’t be able to conduct themselves professionally among peers, placed pressure on Hitt to make this decision.

ΓΑΥΣ’s accuser, who asked to remain anonymous, expressed disdain for how easily local media was distracted from the scandal and how quickly her story was overshadowed by the impromptu pride parade which followed the press conference.

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