Student Withers Away While Waiting for Enrollment Date

A University of Central Florida student met his untimely demise this week while sitting in front of his laptop screen. The student withered away to just bones as he awaited his enrollment date for Spring classes. The unfortunate incident went unreported for several days because his roommates assumed the skeleton was a leftover halloween decoration. “He had his Spring courses all picked out like four months ago; they were waiting in his enrollment shopping cart, but he had one of the latest enrollment dates possible,” the deceased’s roommate, Luke Schmidt, informed The Stallion reporters.

It’s been a heartbreaking last couple of weeks for students awaiting their Spring class enrollment dates. Just last week, another would-be enrollee, Melanie Patrick, was hospitalized after her brain literally melted and dribbled out of her ears when she noticed that three of the four classes in her online shopping cart were waitlisted once her enrollment date finally rolled around.

“I just want to graduate on time,” said a despondent Patrick, who is still receiving treatment at the hospital. “It just feels like they’re toying with me. I literally have one class left for my major, but they only offer it every other spring semester, on alternating days of the week, in the MSB bathroom, when the moon is full. The class always fills up in the first five minutes on the first day, she wailed, tears — and brains — running down her cheeks. “I am never going to graduate.”

These incidents aren’t rare, and they have brought into question the enrollment date policy the University uses.

“Why do they set the enrollment date so far away from when you are allowed to start adding things to your shopping cart?” asked marketing major Phillip Dunlap. “My suggestion would be more of a Black Friday style affair. They can release the class list early, that’s fine, it lets people know what the doorbusters are. I know plenty of people who would camp out to get into Computer Science 1; it would only increase school spirit if there was some friendly competition.”