Yesterday UCF’s beloved John C. “Papa” Hitt, first of his name, Lord Protector of Lake Claire, Warden of Memory Mall, and Commander in Chief of the Citronaut Corps, announced his retirement after more than two decades of selfless service to the realm. In his announcement, President Hitt provided only two words of reasoning for his decision: “It’s time.” The shroud of ambiguity regarding the President’s decision has opened the door to speculation on the behalf of some university news outlets regarding the really real reason for his retirement. In an attempt to clear the air and make sense of this announcement, The Stallion has compiled a list of the most realistic (definitely not conspiracy theory-driven) reasons for Papa Hitt’s retirement:
1. He Wants To Get Caught Up On Game of Thrones Before Season 8 Airs.
Anybody who’s binge watched Game of Thrones knows that trying to get caught up before an upcoming season is a serious time commitment. Dozens of hours in front of the TV lead to hundreds of hours studying lore and fan theories in the deepest parts of the internet. This phenomenon consumes even the most rigid time-managers into the world of Westeros. President Hitt is a smart man, and he knows that trying to catch up on seven seasons of a show that you don’t really understand until the third watchthrough is an unprecedented challenge that demands nothing less than his full and undivided attention. Being the responsible adult that he is, he has decided to retire from his official duties so that the university won’t have to worry about him calling in sick to rewatch The Battle of the Bastards or zoning out in meetings while focusing on arguments about Jamie Lannister on Reddit.
2. He’s Running For President In 2020.
Anybody with eyes (and a Twitter account) can see that the pool of potential Presidential candidates is vast. President Hitt is basically the ideal candidate for President of the United States: he’s charismatic and engaged, he’s dealt with a student government almost as difficult as the actual government, he’s good at giving speeches, and he’s already used to being called “Mr. President.” He’s basically Joe Biden with more weird sound bytes and fewer memes.
3. He Has Finished His Training To Become Earth’s New Sorcerer Supreme.
For decades our little blue marble has been under the careful protection of her current Sorcerer Supreme, Dr. Steven Strange, but even the best magicians must retire sometime. It’s been an open secret for years that President Hitt has been the guardian of Earth’s Orlando Sanctum at the UCF Student Union, honing his magical skills and preparing to someday take on the awesome responsibility of Earth’s most powerful sorcerer. That time has come, and our humble president must put the protection of our entire planet from cosmic enemies above the leadership of our university. We’re sad to see him go, but we wouldn’t want anybody else to defend us from the magical enemies of the universe.
4. He Really Wants To Get Around to Fixing His Old Harley.
There isn’t a man over fifty in America that doesn’t have an old hot rod or motorcycle in his garage, patiently waiting for the day when he’ll finally have the time to fix her up and take her on that cross country road trip he’s always talked about. President Hitt’s 1968 Harley Davidson Sovereign RoadKing XL Semi-Centennial Edition has been collecting dust in the back garage of UCF’s shuttle depot for more than two decades, and the desire to hear that V-Twin roar that’s been eating at him for so long has finally taken over. Engulfed in Harley fever, President Hitt hasn’t been seen wearing anything other than a black leather jacket over a white t-shirt and a pair of Levi fitted jeans for weeks, and many faculty didn’t recognize him with his hair slicked back like a Greaser. Once Hitt realized his job as University President was keeping him from quality time with Felicia (his bike), he made the decision to step down.
5. Hitt isn’t Actually Leaving; He is Just Going to the Store to Get a Pack of Cigarettes.
We don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up, but we have heard from sources close to us who wished to remain off the record that Hitt is not actually leaving. Tuesday’s announcement by UCF on social media and the press briefing that followed were nothing more than fake news stemming from someone who glimpsed Hitt grabbing his coat and heading for the door. Our Papa Hitt is simply leaving to go get some cigarettes. He’s coming back. We promise.