Kyle Lane, a University of Central Florida chemistry student, found himself in hot water this week after Snapchats he sent from his Wednesday morning chemistry lab were intercepted by the FBI.
The “snap” in question was a photo of a bubbling Bunsen burner with the caption: “Cooking up some dope 🔥.”
FBI spokesperson Ned Turner had this to say regarding the investigation: “You can’t go on Snapchat these days without seeing Chemistry or Pre-med students claiming they’re cooking up drugs during their lab times. Due to the severity and danger drugs could cause on campus, we can’t take any possible threat lightly.”
President John C. Hitt also responded to the incident. “Here at UCF, we want to offer students opportunities to better themselves in both their current community and their future careers. It is truly a shame to see a student with as much potential as young Kyle Lane to break bad.”
Lane insists that he is an innocent man.
“I have never even done drugs. I just always see other people on social media posting pictures of themselves in lab coats with captions like the one I did, so I never thought something like this could actually get me in trouble.”
The FBI is in the process of setting up an anonymous tip line where students can report suspicious, negative, incriminating, threatening, criminal, or otherwise heinous social media posts. The tip line, hereafter referred to as Project S.N.I.T.C.H., will be online and accepting calls by the end of this week.
To aid students in identifying posts to report, some trigger phrases have been provided by the FBI:
“In the lab cooking meth, lol”
“Call me Walter White ;)”
“Mixing up some drugs in class”
“Grilling up some crack for 420… Totally gonna have the munchies later! 🍕”
Federal agents hope their efforts will lead to fewer false alarms. “Look, we have a lot to worry about; we can’t contact the DEA every time Samantha shows up for her Biology II lab and thinks the tubes and steam make her feel like El Chapo.”