Oh Dear God Not the Wednesday Vendors

EMERGENCY ALERT: The UCF Police Department has ordered all students, faculty, and staff to remain indoors after realizing that today was, in fact, Wednesday. The warning serves to protect the UCF population from the dozens of clubs, popcorn vendors, and Knight-Thon solicitors who congregate outside the Student Union in the middle of each week.

UCFPD Chief Richard Beary reportedly made the discovery early this morning. “I was making my way over to Chick-Fil-A for breakfast when I noticed students putting out a bunch of tables in the plaza area,” Beary said. “I was wondering if there was a special event going on or something, when it hit me: it’s Wednesday. The vendors are coming.”

The UCF Emergency Operations Center has been activated with full staff, monitoring the situation around the clock until the crowd is scheduled to finally disperse around 5:00 PM. The campus has been closed to all incoming traffic, and every soul in the general area is to remain indoors, away from the Union, as long as the campus is under curfew. The school’s emergency sirens will give the all-clear signal once the lockdown has been lifted.

President Hitt has implored UCF staff and students to take the threat seriously.

“This is not a joke. This is possibly the most dangerous situation we’ve experienced on campus all year. This horde lures you in with the smell of caramelized nuts and promises of free cruise vacations; the next thing you know you’re signing petitions for weed and learning the tenets of the Hare Krishna movement. Stay. Away.” Hitt wrote in an emergency announcement sent to every ucf.edu email address.

UCFPD warns students not to follow the example of Joseph Thurston, who chose to brave the barrage of political and religious groups to reach his 9:30am Chemistry class in the College of Sciences Building. When he finally emerged from the rear exit of the union two hours later, he had apparently joined two fraternities, become a Latter Day Saint, and donated bone marrow.

Specially-trained Vendor Watchers have been keeping an eye on the crowd from the roof of the Student Union. They have reported that this is the most powerful event in recent memory, with a strong eye developing around a group of people with megaphones shouting Bible verses in front of fetus-laden billboards. The Watchers had to suspend operations soon after 11:00 when one member of the crowd somehow found his way onto the roof and began asking them if they were registered to vote.

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