Freshman and amateur long boarder Martin Porter was enjoying his second week at UCF. He found a parking spot in Garage B, the line at Chick-fil-a simply didn’t exist when he rolled in for breakfast, and hadn’t been forced to buy any online textbook codes from McGraw Hill for the semester. Little did Martin know that disaster was about to strike.
Witnesses allege that Porter, who was on his way to his third class, was rashly riding too close to the sidewalk outside the student union, and the steep incline from the street caused him to have a full-blown wipeout on the pavement — faceplant and all. The impact caused a noticeable tear in his $188 Supreme™ hoodie and a rip in his already-distressed pants.
“How am I supposed to recover from that?” a forlorn Porter moped. “As a Freshman, I’ve been trying hard to establish my brand on campus, and now all I’ll be known as is Mr. Wipeout.”
Stallion reporters rushed to the site to ask witnesses about when tragedy struck. UCF senior Rebecca Shenkin shared her experience with us, saying, “It was a travesty. I can still see it vividly in my mind, “Wipeout Kid” falling off that skateboard and slamming into the pavement.”
Others felt differently about the situation. Junior Richard Ki told reporters when asked, “Which longboarder that fell off? I think I’ve seen around 6 of those today. It’s a little bit of a nuisance.”
CAPS plans to offer unfortunate “Sk8er Bois” the opportunity for fine-tuned counseling in the event that a sick wipeout should befall them. “Sadly, this incredibly traumatic event could make or break someone,” said Dr. Debbie Machado, a counselor who developed the program. “I don’t know how they’ll put the pieces of their lives back together, but we’ll do our best to help.”
At press time, Mr. Wipeout could be seen filling out paperwork to transfer to USF, which presumably stands for “University of Skating Failures”.