In a stunning announcement, the UCF Cyber Defense Team has officially come forward with evidence that USF interfered in the 2017 SGA elections.
According to faculty advisor Dr. Thomas Nedorost, the west Florida based college “instigated a series of hacking attacks with the goal of undermining the student body’s faith in the importance and value of SGA elections.” These attacks included paying transfer students to illegally vote for Nick Larkins and Cristina Barreto, leaking private emails between Josh Boloña and Jad Shalhoub, and promising free shirts to students who don’t wait in line for events.
Initial reports say that the effort to elect Nick and Cristina in UCF’s most powerful governing body was the result of collaboration between USF’s SGA, Whitehatters Computer Security Club, and Russian Studies Program.
Documents show that USF’s SGA contracted both Whitehatters Computer Security Club and the Russian Studies Program to corrupt UCF’s election process. Reports demonstrate that the Russian Studies Program translated all memos into Russian to avoid detection. When asked for comment, they simply replied “Никакого дерьма. Конечно мы сделали это.”
The College Democrats at UCF were seen setting up a makeshift headstone on the lawn by the Reflecting Pond. The headstone read: RIP Election Integrity–You Will Be Missed. When asked to comment on their impromptu funeral, we were met with incoherent babble on the “death of the Constitution itself.”
“Oh, did voting already happen?” said Brandon McDonahue, refusing to look up from his phone. “I guess I forgot. I’ll do it next year.” McDonahue is a computer science major on track to graduate this Fall.
These allegations raise doubts about tweets President Larkins made earlier this month, calling for an easing of tensions with South Florida, stating “USF likes Nick, Nick likes USF. Is that such a bad thing?”
Claims of election tampering were immediately denied by the newly elected administration. Vice President Barreto confidently dismissed the claims as a “a load of bull” while President Larkins could not be reached for comment. He is spending the week at Oviedo’s Twin Rivers Golf Club.
This article was based off of a reader submission by Josh Wade, a Senior majoring in Computer science.
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