Summer Student Returns to Find Campus In Post-Apocalyptic Ruins After Spring Finals

Bobby Neville, a second year Biomedical Sciences major, returned to UCF’s main campus to find it completely and utterly abandoned. The complete absence of any other human life on school grounds, which is normally home to thousands of students and faculty, could only be explained by an apocalyptic event, Bobby concluded.

“Something terrible must have happened with Spring finals, right?” Bobby told a Stallion reporter, “I’ve never seen it so empty. It’s noon and there’s no line for Chick-Fil-A, what’s going on here? Where is everybody?”

Soon after setting forth through the now derelict campus Bobby came upon a small group of students scavenging for supplies in the Student Union food court, which had become overrun by heavy swamp foliage and wildlife. The group of twelve confirmed that they were the only students actually enrolled in Summer A courses, and quickly determined that they would have to work together to survive until the arrival of the Summer B enrollees at the end of June.

“Follow me” said Sasha Connor, the self-proclaimed leader of the group. “We have to collect textbooks from Barnes & Noble to use as fire kindling. Hurry, before the night falls.”

It was reported that Bobby and the group found shelter in the now-broken-down Route 6 Shuttle, spending most the night broadcasting radio messages pleading for help while fending off what was later described as an organized militant attack by squirrels. The next morning they retrieved water from the Reflecting Pond and enjoyed actually being able to talk to someone at the registrar’s office for once.

“It’s crazy to think this happens every year,” Bobby told the Stallion reporter as he ate a small meal of vending machine Doritos and roasted squirrel meat. “It’s been even crazier ever since we had to banish Sasha into the arboretum. Real crazy. Want some?” said Bobby, offering a squirrel leg to our Stallion reporter who opted instead to order food from Uber Eats.

“I guess it’s not all that bad,” Bobby said. “At least I can finally park on the first floor of Garage H.”

 

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