Health Center Offers Sex-Ed to Professors Before They Screw Students with Finals

In an effort to maintain Orlando’s status as “The City Beautiful”, UCF’s Health and Wellness Center has taken steps to curtail the proliferation of a new reputation as “The Students Screwable.” With final exams looming, the university has created an initiative to provide students’ professors with sexual education and protection to distribute to their classes before they screw student’s grades.

“I’m really happy that the university is paying attention to my academic needs,” remarked junior business major Carl Marks. “My adderall prescription just expired last week – how am I supposed to get through these trying times without the university stepping in? At the very least I’d appreciate if my professors would take my GPA out to dinner first.”

Generally, the campaign has been well received by the student body; however, there are those who don’t approve of manipulating GPAs, even with protection. “It ain’t right,” explained sophomore Jeff Ridley. “This is only going to encourage professors to give out more finals.”

In addition, some assert that the initiative will encourage a lack of accountability on the part of the students. “Why would people bother caring about their grades, now that they’re being protected from the emotional scarring of being academically diddled?” remarked freshman Patty Jones.

“Some people try and promote abstinence from finals, but like I always say, professors are going to always end up giving them out, so you might as well make sure your grades have the protection they need,” said program coordinator Norman Bedford.  “Academic mistakes can only be revised once, and students should use the grade forgiveness option wisely- once you’ve got an academic mistake on your hands, your entire life changes irreparably.”

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