Breaking news today out of the University of Central Florida’s athletic department — Athletic Director Danny White announced this morning that the Knight’s football team will be playing their annual spring game on Memory Mall.
“The fans have been clamoring for more hands-on experiences involving our athletic department, so we decided to drop the game right into the fans laps—literally,” stated White. “Now inebriated fans won’t have to worry about making their way to the stadium in time for the game; they can simply watch the game from their tailgating tents.”
“I mean, first the lazy river for athletes being announced and now this?” complained an exasperated University of South Florida football coach who asked to remain anonymous. “It was already hard to recruit kids to crummy Tampa, but now? I don’t know how we’ll be able to compete with UCF in recruiting.”
One thing is for sure, the students at UCF can’t wait to see their team up close and personal.
“I always thought I could probably play football for UCF, had I not hurt my knee senior year of high school, and especially if my coach didn’t hate me and keep me on the bench,” explained junior exercise science major Craig Volmer, “Being this close to the team, maybe I’ll be able to jump in and show off some skills in front of coach Frost and his staff.”
According to the announcement, a major focus of the move was based on convenience for fans. Getting all the tailgaters from Memory Mall into the stadium for games has been a major focus for the athletic department since the new regime took over. In fact, statistics show that a majority of students who attend tailgates on Memory Mall don’t even go to the football games.
Not everyone is happy with the move to the Mall, however. “The acoustics on the Mall are terrible” said UCF drum-major Gerald McCormick. “Our fight song is going to sound pathetic. Plus, the horn section is afraid that tailgating frat-bros will try and use their instruments as beer funnels.”