Incoming-Freshman Practices Drinking To Prepare for First Semester

Incoming freshman Francisco Gollard spent the week contacting older friends in an attempt to score some “liq” (as he put it) in order to have a “practice party” with his fellow peers for the weekend.

“I’m just really excited to finally be able to go out and party hard,” said Gollard. “I’m kinda nervous for my first party so I felt I should get some practice in before my first wild semester at college.” Gollard had always been a straight-arrow type of kid, but he decided it was time to finally let loose and go all out this weekend. A shopping list was found detailing items such as “red solo cups, beer, water, party balloons, vodka, and candy,” which Gollard was looking to incorporate into his practice party.  On the guest list were three close friends, equally insecure about attending their first college party in the fall.

As the party started at approximately 8:03 PM Francisco was overheard saying “make sure we’ve got sprite for Larry. You know he doesn’t drink, but he’s still cool. Oh, and keep the hard stuff away from Andrew. He just broke up with his girlfriend, and I swear if I have to hear another story about whatever his ex-girl’s name is…”

At around 8:29 PM the conversation had taken a turn into classic questions such as, “So what dorms are you guys staying in?” and, “You think you guys are gonna rush? What fraternity?” These were quickly followed by the classic, “I think I’m just going to rush to get the experience of it, ya know? Try and branch out.” Conversation dwindled after Andrew consumed a mix of 1/8th Natty Lite with 7/8ths Coke and felt he was “Seeing the light”.

“It’s a scary world out there when a party is going on,” explained Larry Finton. “I’ve heard some crazy stories. People pretending to pass out because it’s cool. People getting too emotional. College is a different world, and I just don’t understand it yet.”

Sources reported another close friend of Francisco’s who had shown up uninvited, Richard Brenson, threatening to call the police because, “this drinking is getting too dangerous and someone is going to get hurt”. Brenson was seen shortly after the incident praying with a rosary in the bathroom.

The occasion promptly ended at 8:55 P.M, giving Gollard five short minutes to prepare before his 9:00 call from his father and mother checking in on him.