Late last week the University of Central Florida announced plans to demolish Parking Lot D and replace it with new luxury dorms. The goal of the project, in tandem with the university’s plans to add a lazy river to the campus, is to attract more “profitable” students to the school. Construction is set to start this July.
“We’re really excited for this project,” stated Kevin Blakely, UCF’s Housing Representative. “We really needed more places to fit our growing number of students, and this upscale housing option is sure to catch the attention of the kind of students the university is trying to attract.”
According to Blakely, the dorms will have their own kitchens, private bathrooms, two gyms, a swimming pool, a sushi bar, a sleep deprivation unit, and even room service. Students will also have unlimited passes to the lazy river once it is operational.
Current estimates predict that the number of students enrolling at UCF is set to double within the next five years. “We really needed to figure out how we were going to expand. It’s hard to do that when all the other areas on campus are filled with grass and restaurants.”
The name of the new housing is not yet finalized, but popular options include “Club Gemini” “101 Aquarius” and “Poseidon’s Garage.”
Incoming freshman Samantha McGregor is especially excited for the new dorms. “My parents were going to buy me a house off campus, but the idea of room service has me sold. Do you know how much I don’t want to walk to my fridge when I’m hungry and studying?”
There are currently no plans to make up for the lost parking lot. “The goal is to market the project as a Green Initiative,” said Blakely. “We’re going to encourage students to walk or bike to campus instead, which is much better for the environment- besides, the typical college student can afford to be dropped off by a chauffeur right?”
“And as an additional amenity,” he added, “residents of the new dorms who may not be fortunate enough to hire a driver will be provided unlimited Uber credit through a partnership with the newly established College of Transportation.”
The university has not yet announced the estimated semester rate for the new dorms. When questioned on the topic, Blakely replied, “If you have to ask, this is probably not the place for you.”