Witnesses gasped earlier as Kendall Jenner stepped onto UCF campus Friday morning with a cold refreshing 6-pack of Pepsi™️ carried by her bodyguard. “Look! Look! She’s gonna do something crazy, just watch” exclaimed sophomore political science major Miranda Pickney. “Maybe she’ll fix the parking situation, or our tuition, or my grades!”
As Jenner carefully selected a single can of Pepsi™ from the 6-pack, the condensation from the ice cold beverage dripping onto the hot asphalt, students stopped in their tracks to await her next move. Jenner was heard muttering, “Let’s do this,” as she marched toward the construction area for the library expansion with a defiant gleam in her eye. She boldly stepped over the knee-high barricades, defiantly wiped her lipstick off with the back of a well-manicured hand, and handed the Pepsi™ to the nearest construction worker, who took a refreshing sip and launched into action with renewed fervor.
“This is what girl-power and modern beverage consumerism is all about,” declared sociology major Josh Partler from the crowd. “It’s just so inspiring to see a woman being strong and independent with the help of a little Pepsi™️.”
For three hours and twenty-three minutes, UCF students and faculty watched in amazement as UCF turned from “Under Construction Forever” to “Unbelievable Canned-Soda Freedom.” Senior Project Manager for UCF’s expansions, Rob Foreman, stated, “I couldn’t be happier that we were able to finish a project we had planned to finish in 2040 in 2017. Not only that but somehow we ended up with two extra parking garages and another set of dorms.” After being asked what the key to such an amazing success was, Foreman explained, “Well I guess the trick is Kendall Jenner handing out Pepsi™️. Before today, all my men drank non-Pepsi™️ beverages and had never met Ms. Jenner so obviously we couldn’t get any serious work done. Today things changed; thank God that amazing Pepsi™️ drinking human stepped in. She taught us how to truly Live For Now™.”
President John C. Hitt commented “I’ve heard the news and it’s fantastic. We’ve been trying really hard to make sure this campus is inclusive and open to diversity. Do you think we could use a little Pepsi™️ (provided by Ms. Jenner, of course) to fix some of these underlying socioeconomic and systemic problems?” President Hitt was later seen shaking hands with Aramark representatives and then declaring, “Just closed the best trade deal with Pepsi™️.”